This two days, my mood turned up and down.
I doesnt dare to bother anyone, everyone have their own problem. As for me, i still can handle mine some how.
After such a long time, i tried to put up such a crazy and cheerful side of me to in front. But just this few days, it crumpled. I'm back to the lonely and one person world. Too many things on my mind to say it out all. I have some very good friends i admit, but none has been so close to me that know me inside out. Even more i doesnt even know myself inside out, what's about others right?
Honestly, the thoughts of suicide and running away from home coming back to me. If those who know me somehow, would know how harsh is my family. I feel like crying everything out loud for real but i cant. cause i know, if i do, they will laugh at me real hard, my own family laughing at me being stupid for crying.
Somethings that hit me hard sometimes, are they really concerning me or they treat me as a trash. If they really concern, why would they need to laugh and keep on saying about me whenever they could. I tried my best already, really...
That's why i try not to approach anyone for help. No matter how much i said i hate them, but i still cares, cause they are my family.
Another side, today i text him, as expected. all the replies are what i expected. Maybe i relying on him too much for the matter of fact, even if i have lost contact with him for months, i still cant stop the feelings.
In his world, even if i'm gone, he can be so well doing and getting to know more girls and friends. why do i stop somehow, my memories keep on playing those days that i'm so protected by him. I wish i have a way out, but it seems to be a bottomless pi. The more i struggle, the more i drop in.
I want to be alone so no one affect me and i wont affect people. But i crave for ppl's attention, i want people to notice me. I doesnt want to walk out of my comfort zone. I want someone to stay the attention only on me. It wont happen... it wont. anymore.
I just want to disappear... who will find me and care?
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