It has been a very long time from my last post. I was busy and free depend on how did you see it.
Recently, fears hit me again and again. The fear of disappointment not only from myself but also the people around me. The fear of not confident enough, the fear of losing everything i having now. Lastly, the fear of loneliness.
Things has changed so much about myself, not to mention more hot tempered and anti social in some cases. More and more possessive, concerning about the comments around me; about me. More fear bought up, I just wish i could run and hide so that i wont need to face any of these. I knew it was impossible but what can i do?
I feel like giving up dancing, i knew i wasnt good at it at all but i felt happy at first when i started it because it has always been a goal for me. Looking at the dance classmates, i looked back at myself. I laughed, i'm such a failure. I cant help it but to feel more and more depressed over it. I tried running away like skipping lesson although i knew i shouldnt do it. I cant face it. I cant. The fear of being looked at just because you forgotten the steps or mess it up are getting more and more. I doesnt have the courage to face it. I doesnt like disappointment and failure.
During working, i just doesnt have the motivation. I stare blankly. I worry, i scared, i fear. Not because of who i having around me, i fear because of myself. The importance is too much for me. Too heavy, i fear of making mistakes which i always does.
Why do i always seems to have mistakes all over my life and things that i do? I'm always a person who acts confident but never had it much. looking at people around me, i feel that why do i have to be like this. They might have lots of fear too, but why am i dwelling in it? Things just getting out of hand, could anyone really understand?
I wish i could really concentrate on working, i meant it. I tried but failed. I wish i can dance better, i try to remember steps but i failed. I try to please people, it will never be done. Family members that always blame me for every single matters. Work that suffocating on me not because of the workload. What else could i actually made perfect and good at? Honestly i couldnt think of any. Cause there's always someone better than me.
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